That was Then, but What is Now?

When I was a junior in high school my class read an interesting book called “That was Then, This is Now,” by S.E. Hinton.  During our reading of this book my English teacher stopped and discussed with us an event that occurred within this book. The book, which was set in the 1950s presents many issues including racism and the divide between greasers and socs. Anyways in the book one of the main characters Bryon is driving home and sees a young teenage African American girl about his age walking home as well and with a little persuasion she accepts a ride from him. When they get to her house there just happens to be a crowd of African American male teens and possibly some girls to. Anyways Bryon is dropping her off and the teens ask if Bryon hurt her or disrespected her and she says yes and thus Bryon gets assaulted though he did nothing wrong. My Teacher then asked us “Why do you think she lied?” Our conclusion was she was tired of men taking advantage of her. She was tired of being grabbed, cat called, treated like a piece of meat. No doubt this young girl was beautiful. But what I still think about today is what my teacher asked us next. He asked the girls in my class to raise their hands if they had ever been disrespected by a man, and the sad thing was that almost every one of them raised their hand and he asked them where they were when it happened. School was the answer from most. My teacher then turned to the boys and said “How do you feel about this? Does this anger you? Are you embarrassed?” My teacher then asked them if they had ever been the guy that treated a girl with disrespect. I was the quiet kid in class; the one that had finally gained her skills in English, but still wasn’t going to speak up. I was also and still am the noticer and I knew which guys in that room had on many occasions disrespected a girl and I saw shame on some of their faces. I wished in that moment to know what each guy was thinking. I quietly looked at each one and wondered how they would turn out. I wondered if some of them would turn in to great men or not. For some I couldn’t imagine it and for others I had no doubt. I still think back on that day sometimes. I don’t know where some of my classmates are now or how they treat people. I don’t even know if anyone but me remembers that day, but I will never forget it.

                                    The Secret Voice

Catching up

I realize this is a blog of me talking to myself and I am ok with that. It has been a long time since I have posted and I was recently inspired by another young adult choosing to get his voice out there, so I figured why not restart and catch up.
Since I last posted I have had several wonderful experiences. In the Summer of 2014 I studied abroad with 14 other students from several different colleges none from my own (of course). I studied the history of Vikings along with the Archaeological methods that were used to learn about them. This step of faith was huge for me. I was beyond terrified. Never before had I been out of country, never had I been without family for so long, I was with no one I knew, and as a not so great student I figured all this money would be for a failed attempt at credit, but I knew that this wasn't my plan it was God's. The story behind how I even ended up going was a fast one and caught me completely off guard. I was simply relaxing on my bed in January before the Spring semester had begun. The mail had run and I had been sent a flyer from school to study at sea and instantly God said "GO!" and I said "OH SNAP!" and ok. It didn't work out, but I knew I was supposed to go some where and Denmark was presented to me by the Study Abroad Administration and after a bit of prayer I took it and ran. So there's that and It was and experience I will never forget.
This last Summer before I could graduate I needed field credit and with finding a spot came a lot of prayer from me and those around me. Another leap of faith took place as I sent in an application weeks late to the only perfect fit and I was accepted. With a serious time limit I had to deal with the process of a the college it was through and with many set backs came great success. I spent three weeks digging and discovering what was left behind by Native Americans in the region. I learned important things for the field of Archaeology and in December I became a college graduate.
As time goes on I will try to become a much more interesting blogger and maybe a focus for this blog will come about, but if not I am ok with that. I have this blog to document my thoughts and feelings and to remember my experiences. Here are some photos to tie you over.


                  The Secret Voice

Short Term 12

    If you have not yet seen the film Short Term 12 you are missing out on something wonderful. This film shows so much the struggle of the kids so many forget about, whether on purpose or out of sheer cluelessness when it comes to knowing how to care about them. Even though the characters in this film are not real, these are real, horrifying actions that have happened to thousands of children in the world and I am thankful for this film that chose to not censor the pain and struggles that happen in the US.  I feel that everyone (that is at least 18) should experience this film and others like it. The language is quite excessive and there is blood and vile discussions, but this stuff is real and should not be ignored.
    This film also is great and showing people that children who have gone through junk, things that I myself could never imagine, are not lost causes; there are those who do beat the odds even if they come out with scars, but also they do not sugar coat the fact that there are also terrible outcomes. I like that this film also represents the same idea that foster care ads here try to express "You do not have to be perfect to be a great parent," or counselor in the movies case. The people in this film are funny and messed up but they know how to love these kids and it just makes it that much better.
    If you are ready for a challenge I suggest you try this movie out.

                                         

Not an Ordinary Life

   Those who know me know that I am far from ordinary. I may live a rather boring life. For the last two weeks I have been spending my mornings curled up in bed reading or watching videos until 12 in the afternoon. I see nothing wrong with this though. As one of my college leaders at church often reminds me "Enjoy this time in your life while you can. This is the least busy you will be for the rest of your life." So What if I am not out running around. I have been planning ways to give this up coming Christmas, and planning how I will do better this school year. I wish I had someone to hold me to that.

   Funny none of this is what I came on here to say. I wanted more to talk out the out of the ordinary future I know God has in the making for me. From a very young age God planted in my heart to adopt. Some who I have managed to get to read this far may be thinking "What's the big deal, lots of people adopt." This is where my hopes, and what I hope is on God's agenda for me, get interesting. I don't just want to simply adopt, I want to adopt children (yes multiple) with special needs. So many websites and blogs telling their stories and the stories of hundreds of children they call by name, have affected me so intensely that I know this has to be one of God's plans for my life. If you caught the last half of that sentence you will notice I said ONE of God's plans for me, for I do not think that is where it ends. Oh No not only will I be adopting children with special needs I may also by the grace of God get the opportunity to welcome older children aging out of orphanage care systems. I am really hoping for a Chinese teenage son, and an Eastern European daughter not quite in her teens, but who knows!

   Along with the pain and frustration, and JOY that comes along with these adoptions I feel that God wants me to be a Foster Parent (I am starting to worry for the guy that marries me someday.) There is such a desperate need for people to step up and love those deemed unlovable, or broken. You don't have to be great, just able ( a stubborn streak may also help at times.) There are so many children who have never had any form of stability in their lives. I can't guarantee they will have an easy time or that they will get to be in my home long, but while they are there I can try to show This task that God is putting me up to is terrifying to me. I am scared for my well being as well as the well being of my future family but the bile says in Psalms 18: 32-34   "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze."
   I feel like for so long God has been preparing me for this battle along with the battle of raising any child. My entire life I have watched and listened and questioned every choice made the parents I know. I have attempted to soak up every bit of information anyone has so that I will not fail. I want to be a mother that my children are proud to claim. That taught them how amazing our God is. I want to be a mother who encouraged her kids to go after their dreams, and the person their friends can come to if they have nobody else.

   Before I end I want to mention one last child that may be mine. I imagine she will be my last but who knows. I think about her often. Maybe she will have bright blue eyes, or perfect blonde curls. Her name will be something to marvel at I'm sure. One thing I do know is that she will have Down Syndrome, and she will be an example to the world that a disability is not a thing to fear, but a thing to embrace. I know she will kick the butt of any stereotype a doctor or uneducated onlooker happens to try to stick to her. There are many kids in my future and even though they have probably not even been born yet I love them all with such an intensity. They are my future and I couldn't be prouder.

A sad Farewell

 

 

I lost another wonderful cat this week. Her name was Fluffy, though she answered to many names (Fluffy Lady, Fluff-zilla, Fluffalumpagus, baby demon, fatso, etc). She left a path of destruction where ever she went. I want to pull an act from the book "Because of Win-Dixie," and name 10 things I will remember about her.

 1. Her eyes were the color of Jade, and I could never get a good picture of them.
2. She rolled her R's when she purred.
3. She didn't seem to have any brains. I once found her screeching at a wall. And it would take her forever to find my bed, even when she was standing right beside it,

 4. She had curls on her belly.
5. She was so little. 5lbs.
6. She could destroy anything in just a few seconds.
7. She loved waking me up in the morning, and sometimes she just needed to know I was still here.

8. Her claws were so sharp and tiny.
9. She never turned down a free meal.

10. She was so severely loved and we will miss her so much.

 

Fluffy

September 2012- July 15, 2013

Hit by a car

Disability

This post has been running through my mind for quite some time. I would like to say that a few weeks after righting this out I began finding people who actually cared about me. Hopefully these types of friendships will continue.

I have a mental disability. It is called self-consciousness, and it is so severe that it consumes my thoughts almost every waking minute, and sometimes it makes it into my dreams.
All I can think is "they hate me," "I'm stupid," "I will never amount to anything." I know it's all a lie, but I can not give up these thoughts. I wear my heart on my sleeve and by some powere of God I have not yet stopped giving my heart out.
So often I am rejected. I share my struggles with those I should be able to trust and then they just stare at me as if I am some strange creature. Then I am lost again. People avoid eye contact with me, and they avoid me. I struggle to understand what is me really being rejected and what is not, because my self-consciousness goes so deep. I pray. I beg God to help me show my confident "true" self at all times, but I still struggle everyday. I pray that accepting people will come along, and they will prove to me that love and acceptance are not just a myth, but I am losing my faith in humanity. I am afraid to let go and depend on others, because the outcome is usually bad. I am angry so often, and hurt, and I just do not know what to do except pray and hope for a better future.

I dedicate this to those who have shown me what acceptance is: A.C., R.M., T.K., and M.F.

The Secret Voice

Grace not Drama

 Some how I have been mixing myself into ridiculous drama that I quite honestly do not want any part in, and in some instances do not know why I even care. I guess I just hate seeing people treat others with no respect for their feelings. I don't like when people think they are better at everything. I to am guilty of this at times. What is it with women or people in general that make us so driven to get involved with other's drama. I say all the time that I hate drama, but I am then reminded that I exude it. This problem has been waying heavily on my heart and mind. I am miserble and because of something absolutly ridiculous and simple to solve. All I have to do is say NO, I will not be involved in your ridiculous behavior.
I am such an outspoken person at times and so it is hard to not want to get my opinion in during every discussion. But I want to enjoy life even more, so I am trying to change. I realize that if my mind is always focused on the ridiculous behavior of others I will miss out on the fantastic, wonderful behvior of those that I look up to. I will miss opportunities to share my love as well.
The Bible says in Galations 5:15 "But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another."
This is NOT what I want for my life. I WANT joy, love, and laughter. Instead of exuding drama I want to exude Grace to those around.
Will You take the inititive and choose grace over drama?

The Secret Voice

One Less

Last Night there became one less orphan in the world. A family from my church stepped out of a plane and we were there to welcome them home with their beautiful, rambuctious new four year old son. Welcome home Caleb James Shu.

Our sign was ready

We waited

And waited

And there they were! Our first sigtings of this beautiful boy. He was worth the two long years of waiting and praying

First time meeting his grandma

His Joyful, Beautiful new momma

The Balloon a dangerous fun new toy

The adorable welcoming committee

The Beautiful family of seven plus grandparents. Welcome Home Grahams and many happy memories

Please pray for this family as they adjust to life with this very sweet overactive boy. Attachment is going well, and he is such a happy boy. Pray for the future surgeries he will need to hopefully give him sight in his eye that has a glaucoma. God couldn't have picked a better family to be his forever.

The Secret Voice

Not behind a mask

I never know what to say on this blog. I created it as a way to let my feelings known even if no one cares to hear them. The truth is I am far from put together. I struggle each and everyday. Nothing has ever come easy to me, except writing, but recently even that has been challenged by the great professors of college, and the even greater writers within my creative writing class. This semester I have been shot down a countless amount of times, because I'm just not as good.
I can't turn the political leaders of our current times, into books of the bible and make it a poem. I don't have horrific events to talk about, I've never had a guy so theirs no tragic break up, and I don't get caught up in stupid drama so that is one more topic I cannot discuss.
When I am struggling I pray, and talk to people in the church. I have never felt the need to put on a mask and pretend that my life is fabulous, because it is not, and I don't want anyone to think it is. I daily struggle to read my bible (and quite honestly it usually doesn't get done), I have a temper, I freak out when people ask me questions, I struggle to get words to come out right, sometimes people don't understand me. I am an outcast, but I feel that someday my differences will help. If I show my true colors maybe others will be comfortable confiding in me. I don't want to be another Christian that non-Christian's view as better than them, because their lives seem so perfect. I can guarantee, everyone has a skeleton in their closet.

Holly

This is Holly. She is an Orphan at New Day Foster Home just outside of Beijing, China. Holly will soon be twelve years old which means only two more years to find a family.

She desperately wants a family to call her own. Holly loves all things girly, and according to her Foster Family would be in heaven in a house full of baby dolls. She is sweet and kind. Could you possibly be her family?

 

 

The Secret Voice

 

Fun Photo Friday

           Look What came to town

Trials for the Files

  

       Sometimes being a "semi-adult" (I don't want to rush adulthood there) sucks. Sure children now see me as an adult they are expected to listen to, Hooray. But with adulthood comes bills that for some odd reason I am expected to pay. I know weird right. 

     So anyways financial aid, it would seem, doesn't appear to be to concerned about coming to my aid this year, so there may definitely be hard times this school year. On top of stupid ridiculously fun school tuition bills, there is the whole, the cute dentist needs to fix all my teeth and possibly perform a root canal problem.

    Yeah, I know what you mean. "Wow you have more problems then the average nice college student needs." i totally agree, but a bacteria has been forming under my tooth since last years check up and they caught it last week when I went in complaining of a dreadful toothache. But the fun doesn't end there my good people who aren't actually reading this blog. No, the bacteria couldn't just chill in one tooth and let my unending suffering end. No it had to spread its love to many of my other teeth, and now they need work done. oh I wish I could just hide in a whole and spend my life watching old TV shows, reading the Hardy Books, and patiently waiting for the readers digest each month. I wish life could just be simple for a little while. Pray.

                             

The Secret Voice

         I lost a wonderful pet Sunday morning, and the sad part is she wasn't mine for long.  I never mentioned this here, but one of my cats had 5 kittens about 9 weeks ago. 4 were big and healthy, 2 orange, 1 tan, and 1 a plump Siamese looking thing, but one was small and sickly. Her eyes were infected, she chocked when she ate, but we had a special bond and she was a fighter. I named her Lion, for I was convinced she would end up being the biggest and strongest one day. She loved being sung to, especially the "Boat Song" by JJ Heller.
       Eventually she found her voice, her appetite, and my shoulder where she loved to perch. She would turn and softly mew in my ear as if telling me a secret. She slowly got better at eating things, she began to grow, she got round, and adventurous, she was even learning to play with her siblings, something she really struggled with since they were 3 times her own tiny self. Sadly her life came to an abrupt stop. We found her very weak, struggling to draw breath, and I knew it was goodbye. I had seen this once before. I stroked her body and told her how very loved she was and an hour later she was gone. Buried in the cardboard box I had made into a bed, with her little plastic dinosaur she actually had no interest in, and it was over. I miss her very much, and so does her kitty family.

                      

The Secret Voice

Rain

        I know my blog may seem boring to all, but Hey its RAINING!!!!! Also its 75 degrees. This rain couldn't have come at a better time. Our first city brush fire occured yesterday and now we have a good hard down pour, and I am thinking GOD. I am so very happy the weather man was wrong when he showed this morning that out city was not going to get any of the much needed rain. The only problem is my library stuff is due today and now i can't walk.

                  

                       

The Secret Voice

            The Current Temperature here is 109 degrees and it is harsh. I attempted to beat the heat with a water gun fight, but of course right after that is when the temps really started to increase. Literally within a minute my computer went from saying 102, which wasn’t so bad, to saying 106.  At least the humidity is only about 20% today so that is a plus. I am so ready for a vacation to the beach or something.

The Secret voice

  

Camp

                This week I was a church camp. I am positive it is one of the most exhausting and challenging things I have ever done in my short life. I was accountable for 5 young girls while they were in my college apartment on the Campus where camp took place. I had to make sure these children got to bed each night, had showered, brushed teeth, and I had to wake them up at 6-6:30 each morning. I had to ensure these children did not lose or forget a thing (which honestly did not happen, they forgot A LOT). During the day when our church children were not with camp counselors I had to keep track of 6 lovely yet often aggravating girls. I was in charge of leading them in our bible studies, which I thought our church leader was nuts for thinking I could do. God gave me the words to say in this week. He gave me girls that would test my strength and encourage me to scrounge up all the grace I could muster. I feel this week gave me an insight in to my future. I try to see every experience as a lesson that will prepare me for when I someday have my own children that will need guidance.

                All week there were young eyes watching me. Processing how I handled things, and quite honestly there were a few times when my frustration came through, with one in particular who wanted everyone around her to be miserable, and a boy who just seemed so annoying to me. I worked so hard trying to understand why this girl claimed she hated everything, when I knew good- and- well she was thoroughly enjoying her activities, for some reason she just wanted to be miserable, and it did get to me. I tried to get her to make friends, I pointed out the wonderful things she was doing, I encouraged her all day, made sure she was included in bible study, but nothing worked. In a way I fill I failed some test by God. I want to be that wise person the children turn to for guidance. I want to have all the answers, but instead as soon as I am spoken to I clam up or get all tongue tied. EVERY FREAKIN TIME! I feel that there was great discussion amongst me and my bible study group, even if we never had time to finish a whole lesson because 1 or 2 children had very long stories to tell about times they were a modern Daniels, or because I was working so hard to get them to give me an example of such and such and all they could ever come up with was Jesus. Yes Jesus is a good answer, but I would like a little more when asking “Is there a person in your life such as a family member or friend that represents a modern day Daniel” (if you haven’t guessed we focused on Daniel this week. So it was a tough week, but at the end I was covered in shaving cream and I saw what children had been working on, and it was great.

The Secret Voice

TV Drama

    Why does there have to be so much drama on TV? What happen to the days of Full House, The Cosby Show, Out of This World (Yes I realize all these shows started before I was even born)? Television these days is so full of trash I just can’t stand it. Every show is exactly the same; these two are sleeping together while sleeping with these other people who happen to be sleeping with these other people. Seriously! I also wonder why it is that someone would want to watch this. Are they viewing it because they can relate or because it makes them feel better about whatever may be going on in their own lives? I’m sure if anyone were to ever read this they would be thinking to themselves “Why are you stressing over this, if you don’t like it just don’t watch it and keep your opinion to yourself,” the problem is though that I wish for a show or two that I can actually enjoy, something with a fascinating story line, a show that is different. It may sound childish but I have such an imagination full of so many stories I just want something fantastic that can tickle the imagination. Is that too much to ask for?

The Secret Voice

Intro

                This is my blog, obviously. I can guarantee there won’t be anything extraordinary on these pages, just the thoughts of a regular American college student trying to find a way in this painfully exhausting, and overly frustrating world. I am not wise so you can forget about finding your great words of wisdom here. I just feel that since I have a voice and am painfully shy in person I would speak here safe and sound where I cannot see any judging stares. I highly doubt anyone will find this blog and if they do they won’t last long for that is quite honestly the story of my life. No one bothers with me on Facebook, no one tweets me, I am not invited anywhere, and I have not had a true friend in 5 years, and all of this is sad, but my motto has become life goes on and until a friend shows up I will just chill with God and the many preschoolers I happen to often be in the presence of. Well this was a nice first post until next time.

The Secret Voice