I have a mental disability. It is called self-consciousness, and it is so severe that it consumes my thoughts almost every waking minute, and sometimes it makes it into my dreams.
All I can think is "they hate me," "I'm stupid," "I will never amount to anything." I know it's all a lie, but I can not give up these thoughts. I wear my heart on my sleeve and by some powere of God I have not yet stopped giving my heart out.
So often I am rejected. I share my struggles with those I should be able to trust and then they just stare at me as if I am some strange creature. Then I am lost again. People avoid eye contact with me, and they avoid me. I struggle to understand what is me really being rejected and what is not, because my self-consciousness goes so deep. I pray. I beg God to help me show my confident "true" self at all times, but I still struggle everyday. I pray that accepting people will come along, and they will prove to me that love and acceptance are not just a myth, but I am losing my faith in humanity. I am afraid to let go and depend on others, because the outcome is usually bad. I am angry so often, and hurt, and I just do not know what to do except pray and hope for a better future.
I dedicate this to those who have shown me what acceptance is: A.C., R.M., T.K., and M.F.
The Secret Voice
