Not an Ordinary Life

   Those who know me know that I am far from ordinary. I may live a rather boring life. For the last two weeks I have been spending my mornings curled up in bed reading or watching videos until 12 in the afternoon. I see nothing wrong with this though. As one of my college leaders at church often reminds me "Enjoy this time in your life while you can. This is the least busy you will be for the rest of your life." So What if I am not out running around. I have been planning ways to give this up coming Christmas, and planning how I will do better this school year. I wish I had someone to hold me to that.

   Funny none of this is what I came on here to say. I wanted more to talk out the out of the ordinary future I know God has in the making for me. From a very young age God planted in my heart to adopt. Some who I have managed to get to read this far may be thinking "What's the big deal, lots of people adopt." This is where my hopes, and what I hope is on God's agenda for me, get interesting. I don't just want to simply adopt, I want to adopt children (yes multiple) with special needs. So many websites and blogs telling their stories and the stories of hundreds of children they call by name, have affected me so intensely that I know this has to be one of God's plans for my life. If you caught the last half of that sentence you will notice I said ONE of God's plans for me, for I do not think that is where it ends. Oh No not only will I be adopting children with special needs I may also by the grace of God get the opportunity to welcome older children aging out of orphanage care systems. I am really hoping for a Chinese teenage son, and an Eastern European daughter not quite in her teens, but who knows!

   Along with the pain and frustration, and JOY that comes along with these adoptions I feel that God wants me to be a Foster Parent (I am starting to worry for the guy that marries me someday.) There is such a desperate need for people to step up and love those deemed unlovable, or broken. You don't have to be great, just able ( a stubborn streak may also help at times.) There are so many children who have never had any form of stability in their lives. I can't guarantee they will have an easy time or that they will get to be in my home long, but while they are there I can try to show This task that God is putting me up to is terrifying to me. I am scared for my well being as well as the well being of my future family but the bile says in Psalms 18: 32-34   "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze."
   I feel like for so long God has been preparing me for this battle along with the battle of raising any child. My entire life I have watched and listened and questioned every choice made the parents I know. I have attempted to soak up every bit of information anyone has so that I will not fail. I want to be a mother that my children are proud to claim. That taught them how amazing our God is. I want to be a mother who encouraged her kids to go after their dreams, and the person their friends can come to if they have nobody else.

   Before I end I want to mention one last child that may be mine. I imagine she will be my last but who knows. I think about her often. Maybe she will have bright blue eyes, or perfect blonde curls. Her name will be something to marvel at I'm sure. One thing I do know is that she will have Down Syndrome, and she will be an example to the world that a disability is not a thing to fear, but a thing to embrace. I know she will kick the butt of any stereotype a doctor or uneducated onlooker happens to try to stick to her. There are many kids in my future and even though they have probably not even been born yet I love them all with such an intensity. They are my future and I couldn't be prouder.

A sad Farewell

 

 

I lost another wonderful cat this week. Her name was Fluffy, though she answered to many names (Fluffy Lady, Fluff-zilla, Fluffalumpagus, baby demon, fatso, etc). She left a path of destruction where ever she went. I want to pull an act from the book "Because of Win-Dixie," and name 10 things I will remember about her.

 1. Her eyes were the color of Jade, and I could never get a good picture of them.
2. She rolled her R's when she purred.
3. She didn't seem to have any brains. I once found her screeching at a wall. And it would take her forever to find my bed, even when she was standing right beside it,

 4. She had curls on her belly.
5. She was so little. 5lbs.
6. She could destroy anything in just a few seconds.
7. She loved waking me up in the morning, and sometimes she just needed to know I was still here.

8. Her claws were so sharp and tiny.
9. She never turned down a free meal.

10. She was so severely loved and we will miss her so much.

 

Fluffy

September 2012- July 15, 2013

Hit by a car

Disability

This post has been running through my mind for quite some time. I would like to say that a few weeks after righting this out I began finding people who actually cared about me. Hopefully these types of friendships will continue.

I have a mental disability. It is called self-consciousness, and it is so severe that it consumes my thoughts almost every waking minute, and sometimes it makes it into my dreams.
All I can think is "they hate me," "I'm stupid," "I will never amount to anything." I know it's all a lie, but I can not give up these thoughts. I wear my heart on my sleeve and by some powere of God I have not yet stopped giving my heart out.
So often I am rejected. I share my struggles with those I should be able to trust and then they just stare at me as if I am some strange creature. Then I am lost again. People avoid eye contact with me, and they avoid me. I struggle to understand what is me really being rejected and what is not, because my self-consciousness goes so deep. I pray. I beg God to help me show my confident "true" self at all times, but I still struggle everyday. I pray that accepting people will come along, and they will prove to me that love and acceptance are not just a myth, but I am losing my faith in humanity. I am afraid to let go and depend on others, because the outcome is usually bad. I am angry so often, and hurt, and I just do not know what to do except pray and hope for a better future.

I dedicate this to those who have shown me what acceptance is: A.C., R.M., T.K., and M.F.

The Secret Voice

Grace not Drama

 Some how I have been mixing myself into ridiculous drama that I quite honestly do not want any part in, and in some instances do not know why I even care. I guess I just hate seeing people treat others with no respect for their feelings. I don't like when people think they are better at everything. I to am guilty of this at times. What is it with women or people in general that make us so driven to get involved with other's drama. I say all the time that I hate drama, but I am then reminded that I exude it. This problem has been waying heavily on my heart and mind. I am miserble and because of something absolutly ridiculous and simple to solve. All I have to do is say NO, I will not be involved in your ridiculous behavior.
I am such an outspoken person at times and so it is hard to not want to get my opinion in during every discussion. But I want to enjoy life even more, so I am trying to change. I realize that if my mind is always focused on the ridiculous behavior of others I will miss out on the fantastic, wonderful behvior of those that I look up to. I will miss opportunities to share my love as well.
The Bible says in Galations 5:15 "But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another."
This is NOT what I want for my life. I WANT joy, love, and laughter. Instead of exuding drama I want to exude Grace to those around.
Will You take the inititive and choose grace over drama?

The Secret Voice